Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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