Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
