If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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