I just saw a hot homeless man
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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