Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
