She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize