If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
