He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
