I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize