TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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