the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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