Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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