You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
