broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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