She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
