I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
