im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
