just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
