i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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