im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize