he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
