Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
This is my gift to your gina
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
