you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
