I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I don't deserve a penis
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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