Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
