how can u be prego again
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
