He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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