Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
