Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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