I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize