Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
