just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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