Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
