Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
