im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
