dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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