hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
