this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
