Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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