I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
