I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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