I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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