I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
