the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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