Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
