i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
