So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
