Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
