i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
