Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
