I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
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