You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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