i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
