I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Life without a bra equals bliss.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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