Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
