sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize