someone threw a dead crab at me
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
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