just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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