Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
