Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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