Say something about gay babies.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize