Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
