oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
