You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
