Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize