The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
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