I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
When are your genitals available?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
