I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
