That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Randomize